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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in J's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, May 11th, 2005
2:21 am
Coming up on the big 2-3 anyone getting me a gift?
Wednesday, April 27th, 2005
7:54 pm
Saw this today....heh.

Orville Redenbacker? HAHAH

Yea I haven't updatd in forever. But hey, I find funny auctions and witty quotes. What more do you want from me?
Tuesday, March 22nd, 2005
4:14 pm
4 Years Later
Its been 4 years since I started this relationship with Beth. Its been many years since I did anything with this LiveJournal. Yet here I am, and she continues to amaze me, even after all this time. Still though I am not as good of a man as I should be.

I still haven't finished college, or even done much more then the last time I started in this journal. The only thing I have going for me is that I now live with the woman I love. Yet there is still so much of my life that isn't complete.

What have I become? What would I be if I had it to do all over again?

Am I happy? Yes.
Sunday, February 10th, 2002
12:28 am
Yea there she was, like Disco Superfly
So I haven't updated my journal in a dick year. But I guess its cause things are going pretty good and I tend to wirte in this bastard when I'm all bothered. Or something. But the point is, I'm back like Platform shoes baby!

So Beth and I are going to spend a bunch of days together starting Valentines, and you know what that means....

SEX AND CANDY!

(In a manly man voice.....YES!)

I think I'm going to go to the Y tommorrow, work out a little bit. I havent in so long, and my body has just went to hell. I used to be pumped, well sorta, now I'm just a skinny dude. But I think I'm cancelling my Y membership soon for a cellphone. Long distance bills suck.

But its come to the point where I need to talk to Beth nearly everynight. I think we have called each other every day for like the past week or so. Oh well, its all good. And worth every penny.

In 10 days I'll have known Beth for one whole year.....and in another 30 days I'll have been going out with Beth for a year. I've loved her every minute of that. Its amazing, crazy and so beautiful.

I need to get serious about school, but with a long distance relationship, my procrastination, work and my whole blah outlook on things I just can't seem to get into the groove. Its like if I apply myself I'm a A+ student, and if I don't I'm a C/B student. Yea so maybe I'll get serious soon. THis whole "real life" thing is you know, kinda crap. I don't wanna work. But I gotta work, gotta have a car, gotta have a apartment. Its like, one day I woke up and I was a adult.

I need to file my taxes. Maybe I'll do that tommorrow. I have set myself up for such a full plate tommorrow and probably won't go to bed for another 6 hours, I'll surely never do half of it.

I never do anything, yet I can't ever find time to do the things I need to do.

Like buy-back my old car from the repairmen, look for apts, get my car vet tested, do school work and spend time with my family.

Who are a bunch of fucked up folks for the record.... my family that is.

AND who the hell decided that Carrie and Adian on "Sex and the City" could break up? Hello, dipshits your clifthanger last season was they are getting married, and then this season you write them breaking up in two episodes? WTF? Who booked this shit? They were in LOVE....hellllllo.....LOVE....you don't just fall out of love. Jesus. And if you do...NOT IN TWO STINKING EPISODES!

Anywho that does it for me.......

See you next time in..... Updated again or JOURNAL Y2K2!
Same Bat Time!
Same Bat Channel!

Current Mood: dirty
Tuesday, January 29th, 2002
12:46 am
Beth says....
maybe one day we'll just be like, "we need a change." and we'll pack up all our stuff and get in our car and just drive away. to anywhere. somewhere where there was never a seperate me or you, but a place where we will always been known as us.
12:15 am
Look at me I'm NAKED! Not really, jeesh. Perv.
Heather is/was a good friend of mine, who got incredibally jealous of my relationship with Beth for whatever reasons. She was really rude to me, and eventually said some unpleasant things about Beth and I. Since then, around 8 months, I haven't talked to her. So this happened yesterday.


From a email to Beth:

About a hour or two ago, around 7:00 I called Heather. Id' been thinking about it. It wasn't a up to date call, I didn't talk about why I hadn't talked to her in months. I just called and kinda said hi.

It was weird but I guess, ever since my cousin died. I watched all those people go to that funeral and drop whatever their hatreds were. So I guess, I'm just saying hi to her, and the ball is in her court.

Chances are I might not talk to her again anytime soon. And if I do, she'll probably turn into that person I didn't like. But I feel good knowing, at least I gave it one last chance.

I can never forgive her for how she treated us. But I'll give her one chance to start over I guess.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Beth thinks I'm a great and amazing guy for doing that. Maybe I am. Or maybe I just realized sometimes you gotta let things ride. Bury the ax, or something. Anyway I guess I'll update that situation later.

Speaking of Beth, she continues to be a hottie all the guys want. She gets flirted with every day, thinks its her job. I think maybe its cause....She's beautiful. But I mean that. Fuck those guys flirting in cars.

When she was in town a while back she had me show me a picture of my X. I dunno if it bothered her or not. It took me about 20 mins to find one, the only one I have as a matter of a fact. Which I guess is a shame, I had a nice one of her but she took it back and gave it to someone else. UGH, that girl did me so wrong. NONE of that is the point however so let me get to the point....I had forgotten what she looked like. I mean, I had a tiny image in my head. I wasn't real accurate. I dunno if Beth was impressed or whatever cause she hasn't said anything about it. BUT the real point is, the only photo I have is from one of those photo booth things, and Beth and I JUST took one that looks a lot the same. When I realized that I was like "UGH" and I'm sure Beth thought the same. I mean, it almost looked as though I took those pics with all my GFs, which I didn't. But I felt dumb cause not long before I had begged Beth to take one of those with me.

The point of all this? I had mostly forgotten the girl who I first slept with. It made me feel good, cause all I think about is Beth. And our experiances together, as if they were my first. Which if your counting LOVE, they are.

I couldn't remember this girls face, and I know nearly every part of Beth like the back of my hand. Or tounge rather. HA!

Valentines is coming up, Beth has went all out for this holiday so far. I know she has. I really haven't yet. I will, but I plan on us having a nice dinner for sure. I got a resteraunt picked out. Other then that, I haven't found the things I want yet to get her. But I know we'll both make each other feel super special. It'll be super special just to be with her.

MY FIRST VALENTINES WITH A GIRL! YAY!

Current Mood: amused
Sunday, January 27th, 2002
12:23 am
The obsessive boyfriend....
She wanted to go out tonight. I didn't want her to go. I wanted her to have fun. I didn't want guys to flirt with her. She wanted them to buy her free drinks. I wanted her to turn them down. I felt bad for telling her not to let guys flirt with her. She told me to tell her no. I did.

I don't wanna turn into the guy who says, you can't go out, you can't wear that, you can't talk to this guy or that guy.

Its hard dating a pretty girl, EVERYBODY wants her. But she's MINE!

Current Mood: frustrated
Thursday, January 24th, 2002
10:48 pm
So....
You know when someone dies you start to think about all the people in your life you've just forgotten. What if they up and died? You wouldn't be able to talk to them again. Yea and that sucks.

So I'm going to try and fix some of these bridges I've burned with old friends. I guess I'm gonna put in some calls this week. Just to random people I haven't talked to in a long time. Some of them I didn't leave on good terms, but hey I'm going to try I guess.

Moving on....I missed some classes this week from school. Jeesh its the second week. I mean I didn't really miss anything cause I turned all my papers in, but even so I don't want to fall into that same trap of being so procrastinating that I don't even go to class.

Last weekend I had thre most incredible weekend with Beth. I mean it was just great. She stayed at my apartment. I mean it was kinda cheap cause it was so short. BUT, on the other hand we just had such a great time. I think its really brightened our relationship. I find myself missing her so much. Earlier today I just sit in the dark and told myself over and over how much I missed my Beffy.....Bethy...or however you'd spell that. I just wanted to give her a 1000 lil smooches.

nWo 4-Life

Beth just made me crackup. She can be so funny sometimes.

Anyway I think I'm gonna call this a journal.

Life is short, live it.

Current Mood: chipper
Thursday, January 17th, 2002
1:33 am
I love you Beth
I fell in love today....ALL over again.

Current Mood: loved
Monday, January 14th, 2002
5:10 pm
Ah the college life....
Well as I write this, its from a computer at college. I just got off work, and I have about 30 inutes until my class so I'm just sitting here fucking off.

It'd be nice if I actually HAD something to write in the journal....

OHH I got it!

So Beth is coming into town this weekend. its gonna be a short visit, just the weekend itself, which is gonna suck. But I swear we both have to look at this as a positive, aftrall we are seeing each other. She's gonna stay at my place, which should be nice. Sleeping in my bed together and junk cause we'll have to cuddle so close. Cause my bed is S to the M to the A to the LL!!

But I'm excited.

Yeap, thats about it.
12:27 am
Maybe you aren't some average girl, but some gift from god above and I just happen to have a set of eyes that can see that.
Friday, January 11th, 2002
8:38 pm
TGIF
My money problems are starting to work out. Its all about the bugeting baby! And loans : O

Anywho, I'm missing Beth right now. She's at her house and me at mine. So far away. I hate long distance. Where's my warp zone?

She says she might not come down to see me next weekend cause of our financial situation. It won't cost much, but she doesn't want to take my money. Blah.

She's so strong and independant. One good word: PROUD. Girl don't want nothing for free.

What she doesn't realize, its not about me giving her money for her, its so I can see her. I'd go up to see her, but it'll cost more, which is exactly what she doesn't want. So come down here MAN!!!!


I'm bored out my mind waiting for her to get online.

Thank you to the guy who responded to my journal. What you said made sense to me, sure it was jumbled. But hey, what are ya gonna do? Thanks though.

I've had a rough few months. Surely it'll get better....RIGHT?

Who's in love say I?

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My money problems are starting to work out. Its all about the bugeting baby! And loans : O

Anywho, I'm missing Beth right now. She's at her house and me at mine. So far away. I hate long distance. Where's my warp zone?

She says she might not come down to see me next weekend cause of our financial situation. It won't cost much, but she doesn't want to take my money. Blah.

She's so strong and independant. One good word: PROUD. Girl don't want nothing for free.

What she doesn't realize, its not about me giving her money for her, its so I can see her. I'd go up to see her, but it'll cost more, which is exactly what she doesn't want. So come down here MAN!!!!


I'm bored out my mind waiting for her to get online.

Thank you to the guy who responded to my journal. What you said made sense to me, sure it was jumbled. But hey, what are ya gonna do? Thanks though.

I've had a rough few months. Surely it'll get better....RIGHT?

Who's in love say I?

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Current Mood: content
Thursday, January 10th, 2002
10:06 pm
$$$$ Money, Money, Money....Everybody's got a price! $$$$
I keep listening to this song. They played it at my cousin's funeral. I'd never heard it before. Cool song, makes me emotional, and a great tribute to my cousin I think.

So the subject is money. I remember a year or so ago, I saved up money from work, and got into a car wreck. (I made it out okay) and I ended up with like $2,000 from the wreck, and saved up like another $4,000. Anyway I lived off that $6,000 for a long time, BUT I sure wish I'd gotten a job instead and still had some of it.

Anywho the reason is, right now I need some money. Right now I have out around $800 in loans to people. Yet, I probably won't get it back anytime soon. Not that I mind, except for when I need it. Folks I loaned you the money on the good faith it'd be there when I needed it. Oh well.

I registerd up for College. It'll start again, uh yay! I guess. I've spent $400 I don't have on it, and soon I'll have to spend even more on books. ?WHY?

Anyway I guess I'm done for now. Have I mentioned I'm soooo madly in love with Beth? We had a really great night last night. Just chatting, it was fun. I can't wait to see her again...Just a lil worried about having the money to do so.

Current Mood: busy
Wednesday, January 9th, 2002
5:56 pm
YEAR IN REVIEW
January - Started off the New Year by flirting with some fat chic on New Years, Eww was I ever drunk, kissing a good friend, and almost getting beat up by another good friend's boyfriend. Over the course of the month the friend I kissed thought I liked her, blah. Started the end of our friendship. Remained single, unemployed and bored. Started College.

Feburary - Blah month of nothing during my long period of having lots of money but being unemployed. Partied a lil, and lived like a king. Did decent in college, started to dislike my Psychology class. First test I got a D, I would fail every other test. Mostly cause I didn't go or study. Started going to the Y.

March - The blah month continues to a point where I decide its time to play in the chatrooms on AOL. I try to get into a Louisville chat, but it was full, I try to go into a Kentucky chat, it was full. I stumble into a Indiana chat, and meet a certain Beth. She was witty, a smart ass, and a perfect foil to my humor. I got caught up in her web of defense, and got her to start over with me. Had some nice convos. I knew something was special when she IMed me the next day. Added her to my buddylist, the rest is history.

April - Found out how far away Indiana really is. Thats a big state. Beth and I became a couple, made love :) And I went to Kelli's wedding. I would later find out, her parents thought her and I would have been good together. Ended my friendship with Heather. Was getting pretty buff.

May - Turned 19.....strange how old I feel. Kelli made a big deal out of my Birthday, kudos to her. Beth and I get deeper in our relationship, and shortly after my birthday I start working for at the same place as my mom's boyfriend. American Dispersions. AKA, Hell: The Chemical Factory. I would win the Giles Family Memorial Cup. This would be the last time I saw my cousin.

June - Get my brother hired at work, and my best friend Matt. My mom breaks up with her boyfriend, and my brother quits. I was happy to see him go. He made work hell. Beth and I get closer but don't see enough of each other. I think I ask her to move, she won't.

July - Beth and I start seeing each other more. Beth might move in with her sister. Good and bad with that. Still working, out of College, passed 2 classes. I should mention the whole summer me and Matt ate at Ci-Ci's Pizza and played video games instead of going to school.

August - Took Beth to the State Fair, which was a big deal to me. We stay at a shitty motel, but have a great weekend, so good I forget to sign up for the next semester of college. Almost fight a guy at fair. See Beth a lot. Continue to work, but work really sucks.

September - 6 months with Beth. I give her a diamond ring. I am so in love. However I stress it is not a engagement ring, cause that'll be much bigger :) Beth is not moving in with her sister, her sister kinda ditches that plan.

October - Beth and I spend Halloween together. We fight a lil, and I see her cry. But spend a whole week together, the best week all year for me. Starts the begining of Holiday season.

November - My car breaks down on Thanksgiving, which I spent alone. Beth and I don't see any of each other. I hate and despise my job. Start trying to spend Christmas with Beth. Beth agrees to move in with me when the time is right.

Decemember - Worst month in a long long long time. Trying month for Beth and I, we see each other a bit. My cousin commits suicide, killing a friend and large part of my family in the process. Fucks my head up. Try to get a car, and try to get credit. Get turned down officially 90000 zillion times. Get a new car eventually, I'm starting to like. See Beth at the end of the month, celebrate our Christmas, a few days after the real one. I liked it.

Januaray - Spend the New Year with Beth. Have a good time, but coulda been better. Love her lots, past the trying times I think. Still working. Matt quits Work and goes off to college, and I am very alone.

Current Mood: accomplished
1:06 am
Would you help a friend, one last time?
I pose a interesting question tonight, one that has happened to me recently, and has most certainly messed me up a little....

Would you clean up the mess of a friend who committed suicide?

Did you know there are no services to do that?
Did you know the Police don't help you?
Did you know blood doesn't come out of carpet?
What do you do?

My cousin, and close friend killed himself a day before his birthday earlier this month. Shot himself in the head with a 22. As luck would have it, I had to stand up for the family and clean up the mess and organize damn near everything but the funeral. I wasn't and still aren't looking for praise or recognition. While looking back on the scenario I am angry at how little respect I got from my mom and grandmother, I can appreciate the fact that I did a good friend one last bit of help.

Its a truly horrific thing to do, I can assure you. Haunts your thoughts, your dreams, your memories. Beth was really good to me though during all this. I doubt I'd made it without her.

I won't whine about my misery, or what I did that cold December morning, but only to say, life is so precious, don't waste it. No one deserves to clean up your blood, nor the pain in brings.
Tuesday, January 8th, 2002
1:58 am
Will I ever get a smiley face?
I hate it when she's sad. I feel so....weak.

Current Mood: sad
Sunday, January 6th, 2002
10:58 pm
This is a test, this is only a test...
Beth sent me this, here are my results....


I see: The big picture
I need: Money
I find: None
I want: Beth
I have: the best girlfriend
I wish: I could spend everyday with her
I love: Beth
I hate: work
I miss: Beth
I fear: death
I feel: decent
I hear: my typing
I smell: ham
I crave: Beth
I search: for eternal life
I wonder: what i'll be
I regret: wasting 6 thousand dollars

When was the last time you...

Smiled: last night
Laughed: last night
Cried: wednesday
Bought something: today
Danced: last weekend
Were sarcastic: last night
Kissed someone: tuesday
Talked to an ex: my birthday
Watched your favorite movie: 8 months
Had a nightmare: two nights ago

What is the last...

Last book you read: Have a nice day
Last movie you saw: Tois
Last song you heard: Its been a while
Last thing you had to drink: Dr.Check
Last time you showered: yesterday
Last thing you ate: ice cream

Do you..

Smoke?: no
Do drugs?: no
Have sex?: yes
Sleep with stuffed animals?: yes
Live in the moment?: some times
Have a dream that keeps coming back?: nah
Play an instrument?: nope
Believe there is life on other planets?: yep
Remember your first love?: yep
Still love her/him?: yep
Read the newspaper?: yes
Have any gay or lesbian friends?: nope
Believe in miracles?: yes
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: sure
Consider yourself tolerant of others?: yes
Consider love a mistake?: never
Like the taste of alcohol?: rubbing? no
Have a favorite candy?: yes
Believe in astrology?: not really
Believe in God?: I think
Believe in magic?: yes
Pray?: not enough
Go to church?: no
Have any pets?: yes
Talk to strangers who IM you?: usually
Wear hats?: no
Have any piercings?: yes
Have any tattoos?: no
Hate yourself?: nah
Have an obsession?: sure
Have a secret crush?: nope
Collect anything?: yes
Have (a) best friend(s)?: yes
Wish on stars?: yes
Like your handwriting?: HAHAHAHA No way
Have any bad habits?: sure
Care about looks?: yes
3:53 pm
What about me?
Someone said I sounded like Raven, kudos to them for watching wrestling..BUT, I gotta wonder, is that a compliment? I mean sure Raven is a very intelligent person, but he whines a lot too, do I ask "What about me?" too much?

Its snowing outside, and not one kid is playing in it. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE KIDS???!?!?! I woulda been out there with my G.I. Joes and my cousin and brother and we'd been having a good ol time. Ah, kids today.

To the person who said I contradicted myself, let me explain...

Beth gives A LOT, but its not at the level I want her to give. The little things she gives, means so much because they are so hard for her to give, and I appreciate her giving, but what I really want is for her to give it all, thats just going to take time.

I was a jerk last night too, when I found out she read part of my journal and had decided not to read it but rather my post in several communities asking for advice, I was offended and annoyed at the rare luck she would go there, then.

I'm pretty sure I was cursed some many years ago, I just didn't know it. I am the absolute epitome of Murphy's law.

Someday maybe I'll post a pic in here.

Hmm, what else to talk about...Oh lets see...

I will do a year in review soon, when I find the time.
I have another big emotional post, but its actually not love life related. (imagine that)

As well, I have a weird twitching in my right eye. Whats all that about? Signs of something big? Just a nervous twitch? Will it go away or get worse? Its not constant, but I know it does deal with stress on some level.

Yea thats it, off to play in the snow.....

Current Mood: bored
12:34 am
I fucked everything up. Suddenly in a instant I hate myself.

My luck is the worst ever.

Current Mood: crushed
12:20 am
Why do girls do this...
I'll quote my baby's journal on this, and then rant about it...

" I know it confuses the hell out of Jake. It's just sometimes he does things that upset me, and I don't want to tell him. And in retrospect, I realize how some of those things are truly dumb to get all worked up about. But, at the time, I feel I have a justifiable reason to feel that way. As far as not telling him - it's such a girl thing. Me and Amy talked about it when she was here. It's like, if he doesn't know what's wrong, then I don't want to tell him. He *should* know. "

First let me point out I know it confuses the hell out of Jake.

So why do it?

Yes it does confuse the hell out of me.

Here's the thing, like sometimes she does things that piss me off. Sometimes I don't tell her. BUT, if she asks, she can get it out of me. Even if it takes some prying. Girls, what they do is, they NEVER tell you. You know their upset, you ask are you upset? They say no. If you go on and on about it, they get mad cause you won't stop talking to them about them being upset when they claim they aren't. YET, in reality they are upset but refuse to tell you. Then eventually they stop being mad at you, and everything is considered fine, yet there was a big problem in their heads, that you never got to state your side of.

Not that I really care as long as it works out, but maybe I did do something wrong, shouldn't I get to apologize? I'm not afraid to say I was wrong.

Why must everything be such a secret? If I don't know, then tell me. ESPECIALLY IF I ASK!

Don't lie and say nothing is wrong when it is. Thats just pointless.

She's afraid that and I quote once again...."I fear: complicated me will eventually drive him away."

Yet I have this wild feeling that deep inside she is trying to drive me away. Like not that she wants to, but that she is on purpose. Sub-conscience or something. I know thats what a shrink would say.

The good news: She can never drive me away. I love her too much for that.


I know it sounds stupid to rant on and on about this kinda stuff, but I constantly tell her how I feel, I constantly ask her to talk to me, I try to understand, I try to be supportive, yet I still get so little. I KNOW, she is working on it, and she has come a long long way, she tells me lots more then she ever did before, but still, I hate seeing her struggle so much with problems when I could help. With a little love.

Current Mood: aggravated
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