January 3rd, 2002

From different worlds....

My entries are so sporatic, I can't imagine how much important stuff I leave out. I'd like to touch base, and mention how I spent several great weekends with Beth over the past few weeks, and I just came off one of the best where we celebrated New Years and Christmas all in one. I got the best stuff from her....But yet that is not going to be what this rant is all about.....

Also, I'm working on a complete year in review, dunno when it'll be up.

So onto the subject at hand:

Sometimes I don't appreciate Beth enough. Like, I guess so often I don't realize all the changes she makes to be with me. Both our relationship and friendship is filled with sacrifice on both parts. I too sacrifice, IE:for the past 4 months or so I've paid for all our visits etc, which btw I know killed her inside. Anywho, her sacrifices are so much more then mine though....

You see, we are, from different worlds. We are two different kinds of people. She isn't a open person. Yet she is more openminded and vocal then me. I'm completely open emotionally with her, but overall I'm a shy quiet person.

She depends on a journal. Like, when she needs to talk, she writes in it. That bothers me, but often times now, she does talk to me. Its a change she's making in her life, for me, and I'm so proud of her.

She has made lots of little changes like that. Yet I rarely take the time to notice them. On the surface they seem like little things that don't happen, but deep down they mean a lot. Its like, I don't always see them, so I constantly ask her for more.

New Years, we were about to make love. I asked her for something I've asked for since the start of our relationship. Me asking, made her cry. I hated that. I didn't understand it, nor did I understand why she refuses to do it or explain to me what its all about, but when I saw her cry, seeing her own internal conflict, I broke. I'm not going to ask her about it anymore. Its going to take a lot from me to keep from asking about it, but I'm going to. There will come a time when it'll all make sense and I'll get it. I'm confident in that. Its been almost 10 months in our relationship, and I should have been able to have this the first night, but knowing how much she sacrifices for me, I'm willing to wait another 10 months if I have to.

Odd side note: As I pour my heart out and respect out to her in this journal, she's being pretty mean to me online. I think I upset her. Thats just ironic in a wierd way. Something is wrong tonight, but she'll never tell me what.