January 9th, 2002

Would you help a friend, one last time?

I pose a interesting question tonight, one that has happened to me recently, and has most certainly messed me up a little....

Would you clean up the mess of a friend who committed suicide?

Did you know there are no services to do that?
Did you know the Police don't help you?
Did you know blood doesn't come out of carpet?
What do you do?

My cousin, and close friend killed himself a day before his birthday earlier this month. Shot himself in the head with a 22. As luck would have it, I had to stand up for the family and clean up the mess and organize damn near everything but the funeral. I wasn't and still aren't looking for praise or recognition. While looking back on the scenario I am angry at how little respect I got from my mom and grandmother, I can appreciate the fact that I did a good friend one last bit of help.

Its a truly horrific thing to do, I can assure you. Haunts your thoughts, your dreams, your memories. Beth was really good to me though during all this. I doubt I'd made it without her.

I won't whine about my misery, or what I did that cold December morning, but only to say, life is so precious, don't waste it. No one deserves to clean up your blood, nor the pain in brings.


January - Started off the New Year by flirting with some fat chic on New Years, Eww was I ever drunk, kissing a good friend, and almost getting beat up by another good friend's boyfriend. Over the course of the month the friend I kissed thought I liked her, blah. Started the end of our friendship. Remained single, unemployed and bored. Started College.

Feburary - Blah month of nothing during my long period of having lots of money but being unemployed. Partied a lil, and lived like a king. Did decent in college, started to dislike my Psychology class. First test I got a D, I would fail every other test. Mostly cause I didn't go or study. Started going to the Y.

March - The blah month continues to a point where I decide its time to play in the chatrooms on AOL. I try to get into a Louisville chat, but it was full, I try to go into a Kentucky chat, it was full. I stumble into a Indiana chat, and meet a certain Beth. She was witty, a smart ass, and a perfect foil to my humor. I got caught up in her web of defense, and got her to start over with me. Had some nice convos. I knew something was special when she IMed me the next day. Added her to my buddylist, the rest is history.

April - Found out how far away Indiana really is. Thats a big state. Beth and I became a couple, made love :) And I went to Kelli's wedding. I would later find out, her parents thought her and I would have been good together. Ended my friendship with Heather. Was getting pretty buff.

May - Turned 19.....strange how old I feel. Kelli made a big deal out of my Birthday, kudos to her. Beth and I get deeper in our relationship, and shortly after my birthday I start working for at the same place as my mom's boyfriend. American Dispersions. AKA, Hell: The Chemical Factory. I would win the Giles Family Memorial Cup. This would be the last time I saw my cousin.

June - Get my brother hired at work, and my best friend Matt. My mom breaks up with her boyfriend, and my brother quits. I was happy to see him go. He made work hell. Beth and I get closer but don't see enough of each other. I think I ask her to move, she won't.

July - Beth and I start seeing each other more. Beth might move in with her sister. Good and bad with that. Still working, out of College, passed 2 classes. I should mention the whole summer me and Matt ate at Ci-Ci's Pizza and played video games instead of going to school.

August - Took Beth to the State Fair, which was a big deal to me. We stay at a shitty motel, but have a great weekend, so good I forget to sign up for the next semester of college. Almost fight a guy at fair. See Beth a lot. Continue to work, but work really sucks.

September - 6 months with Beth. I give her a diamond ring. I am so in love. However I stress it is not a engagement ring, cause that'll be much bigger :) Beth is not moving in with her sister, her sister kinda ditches that plan.

October - Beth and I spend Halloween together. We fight a lil, and I see her cry. But spend a whole week together, the best week all year for me. Starts the begining of Holiday season.

November - My car breaks down on Thanksgiving, which I spent alone. Beth and I don't see any of each other. I hate and despise my job. Start trying to spend Christmas with Beth. Beth agrees to move in with me when the time is right.

Decemember - Worst month in a long long long time. Trying month for Beth and I, we see each other a bit. My cousin commits suicide, killing a friend and large part of my family in the process. Fucks my head up. Try to get a car, and try to get credit. Get turned down officially 90000 zillion times. Get a new car eventually, I'm starting to like. See Beth at the end of the month, celebrate our Christmas, a few days after the real one. I liked it.

Januaray - Spend the New Year with Beth. Have a good time, but coulda been better. Love her lots, past the trying times I think. Still working. Matt quits Work and goes off to college, and I am very alone.
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