TGIF

My money problems are starting to work out. Its all about the bugeting baby! And loans : O

Anywho, I'm missing Beth right now. She's at her house and me at mine. So far away. I hate long distance. Where's my warp zone?

She says she might not come down to see me next weekend cause of our financial situation. It won't cost much, but she doesn't want to take my money. Blah.

She's so strong and independant. One good word: PROUD. Girl don't want nothing for free.

What she doesn't realize, its not about me giving her money for her, its so I can see her. I'd go up to see her, but it'll cost more, which is exactly what she doesn't want. So come down here MAN!!!!


I'm bored out my mind waiting for her to get online.

Thank you to the guy who responded to my journal. What you said made sense to me, sure it was jumbled. But hey, what are ya gonna do? Thanks though.

I've had a rough few months. Surely it'll get better....RIGHT?

Who's in love say I?

[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<center?<b>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

My money problems are starting to work out. Its all about the bugeting baby! And loans : O

Anywho, I'm missing Beth right now. She's at her house and me at mine. So far away. I hate long distance. Where's my warp zone?

She says she might not come down to see me next weekend cause of our financial situation. It won't cost much, but she doesn't want to take my money. Blah.

She's so strong and independant. One good word: PROUD. Girl don't want nothing for free.

What she doesn't realize, its not about me giving her money for her, its so I can see her. I'd go up to see her, but it'll cost more, which is exactly what she doesn't want. So come down here MAN!!!!


I'm bored out my mind waiting for her to get online.

Thank you to the guy who responded to my journal. What you said made sense to me, sure it was jumbled. But hey, what are ya gonna do? Thanks though.

I've had a rough few months. Surely it'll get better....RIGHT?

Who's in love say I?

<center?<b><big><big>I</center></b></big></big>
  • Current Music
    There ain't nothing about you - Brooks and Dunn

$$$$ Money, Money, Money....Everybody's got a price! $$$$

I keep listening to this song. They played it at my cousin's funeral. I'd never heard it before. Cool song, makes me emotional, and a great tribute to my cousin I think.

So the subject is money. I remember a year or so ago, I saved up money from work, and got into a car wreck. (I made it out okay) and I ended up with like $2,000 from the wreck, and saved up like another $4,000. Anyway I lived off that $6,000 for a long time, BUT I sure wish I'd gotten a job instead and still had some of it.

Anywho the reason is, right now I need some money. Right now I have out around $800 in loans to people. Yet, I probably won't get it back anytime soon. Not that I mind, except for when I need it. Folks I loaned you the money on the good faith it'd be there when I needed it. Oh well.

I registerd up for College. It'll start again, uh yay! I guess. I've spent $400 I don't have on it, and soon I'll have to spend even more on books. ?WHY?

Anyway I guess I'm done for now. Have I mentioned I'm soooo madly in love with Beth? We had a really great night last night. Just chatting, it was fun. I can't wait to see her again...Just a lil worried about having the money to do so.
  • Current Music
    Nirvana - Where did you sleep last night (In the pines)

YEAR IN REVIEW

January - Started off the New Year by flirting with some fat chic on New Years, Eww was I ever drunk, kissing a good friend, and almost getting beat up by another good friend's boyfriend. Over the course of the month the friend I kissed thought I liked her, blah. Started the end of our friendship. Remained single, unemployed and bored. Started College.

Feburary - Blah month of nothing during my long period of having lots of money but being unemployed. Partied a lil, and lived like a king. Did decent in college, started to dislike my Psychology class. First test I got a D, I would fail every other test. Mostly cause I didn't go or study. Started going to the Y.

March - The blah month continues to a point where I decide its time to play in the chatrooms on AOL. I try to get into a Louisville chat, but it was full, I try to go into a Kentucky chat, it was full. I stumble into a Indiana chat, and meet a certain Beth. She was witty, a smart ass, and a perfect foil to my humor. I got caught up in her web of defense, and got her to start over with me. Had some nice convos. I knew something was special when she IMed me the next day. Added her to my buddylist, the rest is history.

April - Found out how far away Indiana really is. Thats a big state. Beth and I became a couple, made love :) And I went to Kelli's wedding. I would later find out, her parents thought her and I would have been good together. Ended my friendship with Heather. Was getting pretty buff.

May - Turned 19.....strange how old I feel. Kelli made a big deal out of my Birthday, kudos to her. Beth and I get deeper in our relationship, and shortly after my birthday I start working for at the same place as my mom's boyfriend. American Dispersions. AKA, Hell: The Chemical Factory. I would win the Giles Family Memorial Cup. This would be the last time I saw my cousin.

June - Get my brother hired at work, and my best friend Matt. My mom breaks up with her boyfriend, and my brother quits. I was happy to see him go. He made work hell. Beth and I get closer but don't see enough of each other. I think I ask her to move, she won't.

July - Beth and I start seeing each other more. Beth might move in with her sister. Good and bad with that. Still working, out of College, passed 2 classes. I should mention the whole summer me and Matt ate at Ci-Ci's Pizza and played video games instead of going to school.

August - Took Beth to the State Fair, which was a big deal to me. We stay at a shitty motel, but have a great weekend, so good I forget to sign up for the next semester of college. Almost fight a guy at fair. See Beth a lot. Continue to work, but work really sucks.

September - 6 months with Beth. I give her a diamond ring. I am so in love. However I stress it is not a engagement ring, cause that'll be much bigger :) Beth is not moving in with her sister, her sister kinda ditches that plan.

October - Beth and I spend Halloween together. We fight a lil, and I see her cry. But spend a whole week together, the best week all year for me. Starts the begining of Holiday season.

November - My car breaks down on Thanksgiving, which I spent alone. Beth and I don't see any of each other. I hate and despise my job. Start trying to spend Christmas with Beth. Beth agrees to move in with me when the time is right.

Decemember - Worst month in a long long long time. Trying month for Beth and I, we see each other a bit. My cousin commits suicide, killing a friend and large part of my family in the process. Fucks my head up. Try to get a car, and try to get credit. Get turned down officially 90000 zillion times. Get a new car eventually, I'm starting to like. See Beth at the end of the month, celebrate our Christmas, a few days after the real one. I liked it.

Januaray - Spend the New Year with Beth. Have a good time, but coulda been better. Love her lots, past the trying times I think. Still working. Matt quits Work and goes off to college, and I am very alone.
  • Current Music
    In the pines - Nirvana

Would you help a friend, one last time?

I pose a interesting question tonight, one that has happened to me recently, and has most certainly messed me up a little....

Would you clean up the mess of a friend who committed suicide?

Did you know there are no services to do that?
Did you know the Police don't help you?
Did you know blood doesn't come out of carpet?
What do you do?

My cousin, and close friend killed himself a day before his birthday earlier this month. Shot himself in the head with a 22. As luck would have it, I had to stand up for the family and clean up the mess and organize damn near everything but the funeral. I wasn't and still aren't looking for praise or recognition. While looking back on the scenario I am angry at how little respect I got from my mom and grandmother, I can appreciate the fact that I did a good friend one last bit of help.

Its a truly horrific thing to do, I can assure you. Haunts your thoughts, your dreams, your memories. Beth was really good to me though during all this. I doubt I'd made it without her.

I won't whine about my misery, or what I did that cold December morning, but only to say, life is so precious, don't waste it. No one deserves to clean up your blood, nor the pain in brings.

This is a test, this is only a test...

Beth sent me this, here are my results....


I see: The big picture
I need: Money
I find: None
I want: Beth
I have: the best girlfriend
I wish: I could spend everyday with her
I love: Beth
I hate: work
I miss: Beth
I fear: death
I feel: decent
I hear: my typing
I smell: ham
I crave: Beth
I search: for eternal life
I wonder: what i'll be
I regret: wasting 6 thousand dollars

When was the last time you...

Smiled: last night
Laughed: last night
Cried: wednesday
Bought something: today
Danced: last weekend
Were sarcastic: last night
Kissed someone: tuesday
Talked to an ex: my birthday
Watched your favorite movie: 8 months
Had a nightmare: two nights ago

What is the last...

Last book you read: Have a nice day
Last movie you saw: Tois
Last song you heard: Its been a while
Last thing you had to drink: Dr.Check
Last time you showered: yesterday
Last thing you ate: ice cream

Do you..

Smoke?: no
Do drugs?: no
Have sex?: yes
Sleep with stuffed animals?: yes
Live in the moment?: some times
Have a dream that keeps coming back?: nah
Play an instrument?: nope
Believe there is life on other planets?: yep
Remember your first love?: yep
Still love her/him?: yep
Read the newspaper?: yes
Have any gay or lesbian friends?: nope
Believe in miracles?: yes
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: sure
Consider yourself tolerant of others?: yes
Consider love a mistake?: never
Like the taste of alcohol?: rubbing? no
Have a favorite candy?: yes
Believe in astrology?: not really
Believe in God?: I think
Believe in magic?: yes
Pray?: not enough
Go to church?: no
Have any pets?: yes
Talk to strangers who IM you?: usually
Wear hats?: no
Have any piercings?: yes
Have any tattoos?: no
Hate yourself?: nah
Have an obsession?: sure
Have a secret crush?: nope
Collect anything?: yes
Have (a) best friend(s)?: yes
Wish on stars?: yes
Like your handwriting?: HAHAHAHA No way
Have any bad habits?: sure
Care about looks?: yes

What about me?

Someone said I sounded like Raven, kudos to them for watching wrestling..BUT, I gotta wonder, is that a compliment? I mean sure Raven is a very intelligent person, but he whines a lot too, do I ask "What about me?" too much?

Its snowing outside, and not one kid is playing in it. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE KIDS???!?!?! I woulda been out there with my G.I. Joes and my cousin and brother and we'd been having a good ol time. Ah, kids today.

To the person who said I contradicted myself, let me explain...

Beth gives A LOT, but its not at the level I want her to give. The little things she gives, means so much because they are so hard for her to give, and I appreciate her giving, but what I really want is for her to give it all, thats just going to take time.

I was a jerk last night too, when I found out she read part of my journal and had decided not to read it but rather my post in several communities asking for advice, I was offended and annoyed at the rare luck she would go there, then.

I'm pretty sure I was cursed some many years ago, I just didn't know it. I am the absolute epitome of Murphy's law.

Someday maybe I'll post a pic in here.

Hmm, what else to talk about...Oh lets see...

I will do a year in review soon, when I find the time.
I have another big emotional post, but its actually not love life related. (imagine that)

As well, I have a weird twitching in my right eye. Whats all that about? Signs of something big? Just a nervous twitch? Will it go away or get worse? Its not constant, but I know it does deal with stress on some level.

Yea thats it, off to play in the snow.....
  • Current Music
    Some Folks by Alice Cooper

Why do girls do this...

I'll quote my baby's journal on this, and then rant about it...

" I know it confuses the hell out of Jake. It's just sometimes he does things that upset me, and I don't want to tell him. And in retrospect, I realize how some of those things are truly dumb to get all worked up about. But, at the time, I feel I have a justifiable reason to feel that way. As far as not telling him - it's such a girl thing. Me and Amy talked about it when she was here. It's like, if he doesn't know what's wrong, then I don't want to tell him. He *should* know. "

First let me point out I know it confuses the hell out of Jake.

So why do it?

Yes it does confuse the hell out of me.

Here's the thing, like sometimes she does things that piss me off. Sometimes I don't tell her. BUT, if she asks, she can get it out of me. Even if it takes some prying. Girls, what they do is, they NEVER tell you. You know their upset, you ask are you upset? They say no. If you go on and on about it, they get mad cause you won't stop talking to them about them being upset when they claim they aren't. YET, in reality they are upset but refuse to tell you. Then eventually they stop being mad at you, and everything is considered fine, yet there was a big problem in their heads, that you never got to state your side of.

Not that I really care as long as it works out, but maybe I did do something wrong, shouldn't I get to apologize? I'm not afraid to say I was wrong.

Why must everything be such a secret? If I don't know, then tell me. ESPECIALLY IF I ASK!

Don't lie and say nothing is wrong when it is. Thats just pointless.

She's afraid that and I quote once again...."I fear: complicated me will eventually drive him away."

Yet I have this wild feeling that deep inside she is trying to drive me away. Like not that she wants to, but that she is on purpose. Sub-conscience or something. I know thats what a shrink would say.

The good news: She can never drive me away. I love her too much for that.


I know it sounds stupid to rant on and on about this kinda stuff, but I constantly tell her how I feel, I constantly ask her to talk to me, I try to understand, I try to be supportive, yet I still get so little. I KNOW, she is working on it, and she has come a long long way, she tells me lots more then she ever did before, but still, I hate seeing her struggle so much with problems when I could help. With a little love.
  • Current Mood
    aggravated aggravated