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Below are 20 journal entries, after skipping by the 20 most recent ones recorded in J's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, January 5th, 2002
2:40 am
I wish she knew...
Just how much I cared, how much I love her...How beautiful she is.

Current Mood: disappointed
Thursday, January 3rd, 2002
12:28 am
From different worlds....
My entries are so sporatic, I can't imagine how much important stuff I leave out. I'd like to touch base, and mention how I spent several great weekends with Beth over the past few weeks, and I just came off one of the best where we celebrated New Years and Christmas all in one. I got the best stuff from her....But yet that is not going to be what this rant is all about.....

Also, I'm working on a complete year in review, dunno when it'll be up.

So onto the subject at hand:

Sometimes I don't appreciate Beth enough. Like, I guess so often I don't realize all the changes she makes to be with me. Both our relationship and friendship is filled with sacrifice on both parts. I too sacrifice, IE:for the past 4 months or so I've paid for all our visits etc, which btw I know killed her inside. Anywho, her sacrifices are so much more then mine though....

You see, we are, from different worlds. We are two different kinds of people. She isn't a open person. Yet she is more openminded and vocal then me. I'm completely open emotionally with her, but overall I'm a shy quiet person.

She depends on a journal. Like, when she needs to talk, she writes in it. That bothers me, but often times now, she does talk to me. Its a change she's making in her life, for me, and I'm so proud of her.

She has made lots of little changes like that. Yet I rarely take the time to notice them. On the surface they seem like little things that don't happen, but deep down they mean a lot. Its like, I don't always see them, so I constantly ask her for more.

New Years, we were about to make love. I asked her for something I've asked for since the start of our relationship. Me asking, made her cry. I hated that. I didn't understand it, nor did I understand why she refuses to do it or explain to me what its all about, but when I saw her cry, seeing her own internal conflict, I broke. I'm not going to ask her about it anymore. Its going to take a lot from me to keep from asking about it, but I'm going to. There will come a time when it'll all make sense and I'll get it. I'm confident in that. Its been almost 10 months in our relationship, and I should have been able to have this the first night, but knowing how much she sacrifices for me, I'm willing to wait another 10 months if I have to.

Odd side note: As I pour my heart out and respect out to her in this journal, she's being pretty mean to me online. I think I upset her. Thats just ironic in a wierd way. Something is wrong tonight, but she'll never tell me what.
Monday, December 10th, 2001
12:32 am
Perception is a interesting thing in my relationship as of late. I think this past weekend was really good, while my girlfriend does agree with that, she saw tons of things in me that either I did wrong, or that hurt her. Its funny, cause I didn't see any in myself, or her, but she saw some in us both.

I gotta ask myself, was pretending to ignore her at the store worth it? She said something to me about me making her feel unimportant, and once I do remember clearly walking off leaving her looking at something.

I guess, what she probably didn't realize is, I walked off on PURPOSE cause I saw a gift I wanted to get her for Christmas. I couldn't let her see me eyeing it, so I guess I just kinda took off. but if that hurt her, then was it worth it?
Tuesday, November 27th, 2001
11:39 pm
Today I realized that of all the things in my stupid little life, if I can have her, I have everything.
Monday, November 26th, 2001
7:17 am
I miss waking up with her.
1:17 am
she is so perfect....everthing i want.
Sunday, November 25th, 2001
1:41 am
So she's been online for two hours. Yet, despite the fact I've told jokes, tried to talk to her about a dozen different things, and smiled a lot, she has yet to smile or laugh and she's said 10 sentences at best.

Of course "nothing's wrong" and she's just "tired" even though she's been on for 2 hours.

I just asked her what she was doing. It took her about 5 mins to answer, in which she responds she was reading.

What I ask?

3 more mins.

People Magazine.

At least I'm being ignored for something important. BLAH!
Sunday, October 28th, 2001
12:39 pm
Last night was rough. I made her cry. I had to listen to it. But I think we had a breakthrough. I think now she really knows, forever with me, is real.
Friday, October 26th, 2001
7:28 pm
She wasn't fine
Last time I updated, lets just say, I think she really was just off that night, and it wasn't my fault. But tonight, WOW, well read for yourself....

me: Mail my sexy bunny
her: okay.
me: Oh yeah, and Hi, I love you and junk
her: yeah yeah, Hey and I love you too.
her: okay, done reading.
me: Feedback?
her: not really.
me: lol bitch
her: ack.
me: Hey
me: No acks
me: How was your day?
me: Baby? I was joking with the bitch comment, you do know that right?
her: yeah.
me: You mad? Why the ack?
her: i don't know.. cause you've never actually used "bitch" you always say "biatch" it threw me off, i guess.
me: Oh wow, thats not good.
me: Baby I'm sorry, do you want me to never call you that again?
me: It wasn't ment negative, I swear Beth
her: it's fine.
me: No, you gotta really reassure me its fine
her: it is fine.
me: Swear?
me: Are you upset? Let me know, speak your feelings baby
her: no, i'm fone.
her: fine*
me: Fine, somethings up with that word
me: Describe it not using fine
her: alright.
her: i'm alright.
me: Okay, now what are you doing? Answer some of my questions I done asked
her: i'm not doing anything. and i don't know what your other questions were.
me: Do you want me to never call you that again?
me: How was your Day
her: i don't care, and it was okay.
me: Can I call you?
her: why?
me: Cause I wanna hear your voice
her: if you want.
me: lol you are so not fine
her: what do you mean?
me: You tell me your fine, then say I can call you if I want, you question why I wanna call, your hurt
her: i asked why because i was curious as to why you wanted to call.
her: and i said if you want, because it's your money.
me: Well your not okie dokie Beth
her: then what i am?
me: Not so okie dokie Beth

me: And I need to transform ya back into okie dokie Beth
her: okay.
me: LOL
me: Can you not agree with me?
her: huh?
me: Do you think your okie dokie Beth?
her: sure.
me: How come I aint been sparky?
her: i don't know.
me: Think it has to do with me calling you that word?
her: i don't know.
me: Your are so not helping me here
me: How can I make you smile babygirl?
her: i'm fine.
me: Alright, I'm gonna call ya
her: okay.
me: I love you
her: i love you, too.
me: LOTS
her: i know.

* SO I talked to her on the phone for a hour or two, which isn't cheap via long distance, and she never cheered up. Once again, she just said she didn't know what was wrong with her. It was so unlike her. I've never not been able to cheer her up over the phone. I love her so much, I wish I could make things right. *
Monday, October 22nd, 2001
2:08 am
The quiet....
I could tell you about this weekend, but I'm not going to now, another issue is on my mind. As a quick PRE-Cap of this weekend, it was SO amazing.

But tonight, my baby gets home. She writes me a email, she gets online. We talk for hmm, maybe 5 mins pretty normal, then suddenly she gets quiet. Not just kinda quiet, totally quiet. She claims to have done nothing, said nothing, and overall acted totally like she hated me.

I asked her whats wrong about 3000000 times, but she claimed nothing was. I am so worried right now. My only clue is one thing she said, and I just can't figure out what or why she is depressed.

I need answers, and she is gonna have to give them to me. If I did something, I deserve to know, if I didn't, then I need to know whats wrong.

Our weekend was so great, that it makes this even harder to follow.

Dear World, please make it all make sense.

I love her.
Thursday, October 18th, 2001
10:07 pm
In 24 hours....
In 24 hours I'll be in the arms of my baby, or she'll be in my arms. We'll be locked in a never-ending embrace of love, and honestly I can't wait.

Thats right, she is coming in to town tommorrow. I am truly so excited. I could list the reasons for hours, but the fact is simple, because I love her. Its so hard to be away from the one you love, its always so special when I see her.

I am bursting with excitement and joy.

Tommorrow should be a easy day, go to work, blah, then go immediately to the hotel, check in and meet up with her, then we'll probably spend some time together, then we are off to see Dracula, probably out to eat afterwards, and then back to the hotel room for the night. Lotsa snuggling :)

Then Saturday, is gonna be busy. During the day I wanna take her to go get a costume for Halloween, which will now be done down here. Then we're gonna go out to the mall, or possibly Kentucky Kingdom (Six Flags) depending on the weather. Then later that night, she'll meet my best friend Matt and his girlfriend, we're gonna have some drinks and go to a few haunted houses, should be fun.

Sunday we'll relax until she has to leave, which will be all too soon. :(

I love her, and I just can't wait til I get to see her tommorrow. Its less then 24 hours away. Life is good. My life with her is good.
Wednesday, October 17th, 2001
9:00 pm
Sick, sad, I'm not glad!
For the past two days my girlfriend has been sick. Also a little sad. I have to admit it came out of nowhere, and my immediate reaction wasn't one of pleasure. I tried to joke around, it fell flat, I tried again, same thing, and then finally I got perturbed.

But I was persistant, up until she let me go to sleep for the night.

I sat back and realized she must truly not feel well. I emailed her concern and she was very nice in replying her apologiez but that she really wasn't feeling well at all.

Well now we're in day two. I haven't talked to her yet, but I know she is feeling possibly even worse. I wish I was there, I could hold her and comfort her in her time of pain. This far away, all I can do is try to talk.

She's coming in this weekend...I CAN'T WAIT :)

Also, I checked on my Dracula tickets, and they wound up being General Admission, meaning we can sit anywhere we want depending on what time we get there. Which is killer.

My Halloween plans? Probably drastically changed. She had a Halloween costume party for us to go to, but now, she might not. Hmm. Yea that sucks (More details coming soon)

Alright, thats it. Except, yea I'm missing her, it makes me sad she's sick and I'm soooo far away.
Monday, October 15th, 2001
2:50 am
Licking her toes....
Not much popping off today, cept I bought my baby some thongs. She's agreed to wear all thongs this weekend. I am so wanting her right now.

Bought some tickets to see a broadway show of Dracula this weekend. I paid $60 for the tix, and I still think they are gonna be nosebleed. She says she don't care. Which I guess is all that matters. However, it sure would be nice to up close. I guess I'll write back and tell you (Whoever the fuck that is) how it went. Wish me luck (Whoever the fuck you are) lol.

So yea, about this title, lets just say me and my baby were having some hot convo tonight, and right now I wanna suck her toes...... see why below:

HER : I see my thong, the straps resting on my hips, the front just covering my womanhood, the faint outline of my womanhood - the defination of where it seperates, my thighs and just a small part of my belly.

More her: i'd like to sit on your chest, so you could feel me grow wet as i stroked and licked upon your hardness. Rubbing my thong covered womanhood into you, while i ran my tongue down your shaft and on to your balls, sucking on one, then the other, then putting them both in my mouth, and suckling on them... making you moan, giving you only enough to tease you, then running my tongue back up your cock, and letting the head feel the warmness of my mouth, as i went back to stroking your hardness. Mmm, turning around sucking on your nipples, while your hard cock slid softly in between my cheeks.Moving my ass up and down, making sure you can feel me.

Later on that night....

ME: I think you need a warm mouth on your toes
HER: me too.
ME: I'd love to be suckling on your toes, looking up seeing you in your thong, mmm
HER: yeah?
ME: Oh yes, running my tounge through each space between your toes, sucking each one slowly, licking down your heels, staring at your womanhood wrapped in your thong.

Now thats hot stuff. Wonder if she'd get pissed off knowing I posted that? Its heavily edited from what we were saying tonight. I'm just trying to convey to my diary how hot and steamy tonight is.

Did you know there is like a huge undergound vault of porn on LiveJournal? Like chics who like to get naked and junk. It kinda rules. Some of them should keep their clothes on though, and well the dudes...their dudes, nuff said. Needless to say pretty cool thing I found today.

I wanna make love to my baby.
Sunday, October 14th, 2001
5:23 am
I miss her so much.
1:45 am
Ah the return......
Its been a while maybe even months since I've wrote in this journal. I suppose I am going to try to keep better tabs with it now. I created it just out of fun, and hope for some wierd reason that my love would read it and see some of the ways I feel. Well now she has made one, and I can't have the name. That kinda bothers me, but I know she wants to vent. Afterall diaries are more a chic thing anyway.

Heartbreaking flashback: Going through my brother's diary as a kid, it was during one of his crazy times, anyway he had my birthday on the wrong day. I remember feeling so let down as a kid. Then again, maybe it was when my B-Day party was. I dunno, I just remember it upset me.

So we've agreed to trade journals in a few months. Wonder how that will turn out? God only knows. She's hard to get inside of sometimes. I think she keeps it all locked up. Relationships are just wierd that way, and she's had bad things happen to her in the past so I know a lot of that has to do with it.

Remember my old journal where she was moving in with her sister? Well now she isn't. I asked her to move in with me, she hasn't given a answer yet. I hope she says yes, fear she'll say no. I can't bare to be so far apart from her. Moving in with her wouldn't be the dream idea, but it would be sooooo much better then this. I'm not sure what scares her most, moving so far away or moving in with me. I fear its probably the latter.

Next weekend she is gonna come see me, I hope that'll swing her to moving to here. That would be so great.

I'm gonna be the Big Bad Wolf for Halloween. I bought this really neat costume. It requires quite a bit of editing on my part, but I think it'll be swank when I get it done. Did I just say swank? Yes I did. Not sure what she is gonna be yet. I'm pushing for little Red Riding Hood. That way we'd match. I'm supposed to go with her on Halloween to some parties, no plans as of yet though. I just dont want my costume to stick out and make me look like a loser in front of her friends. She has a lot of friends. Big tough hockey players. Why does she like me?

-> Note to self: Cause I rule all ass that why! LOL

Anywho, that'll do it for this big entry, hopefully you'll be seeing more of me now. Its good to reflect.
Saturday, October 13th, 2001
3:59 am
Bad dreams...
She's had two hot dreams about me, and then today a nightmare where I cheated on her.

Boy did that stress me out. I would NEVER cheat on her. She is all I want in my life EVER. I hate it that she had such horrible dreams.

I had a nightmare last night too.

I think we need to be together, just to cuddle.
Thursday, September 20th, 2001
4:58 am
(no subject)
She sends me emails like that.

So yawn, nothing to talk about really. I'm still madly in love and madly missing my honey.

We've has some silly AOL arguments as of late. We've still never had a fight, which I think is so great. AOL is where we met, but I swear AOL causes so many problems.

Talking to her on the phone is great. Love her sweet voice.



Dooby dooby doo......
Wednesday, September 12th, 2001
1:53 am
Reflections of the way life used to be
How is it, that I KNOW I have met the one? Its funny, but I know its her. I feel so lucky.

Its just not gonna be easy to make forever work. But I will, cause anything short of forever isn't long enough.

I love her.

Anyway, its like my life used to suck, then it was cool, then it sucked. I've been through it all. She's the one thing that makes me smile like I did as a kid. I am truly happy again.
Monday, September 10th, 2001
3:07 am
I love her
Know what sucks? WWF bought WCW. American Wrestling just sucks these days. I mean like, WWF is getting better, but WCW just always ruled. I miss the good ol days.

I also miss my girlfriend. Its like, everytime we are together, the weekend ends, and we are torn apart again.

It hurts to love something SO much only to have it taken from you. For no reason, just circumstance.

I love you Princess, I really, truthfully do.
Tuesday, August 14th, 2001
2:49 am
I miss her
She is so far away. Sometimes I just wish I could up and move to be with her. Distance sucks. No matter what though, I love her. I'll make this work, or die trying.
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